Article in the The Washington Times, Monday, April 22, 1996 by Don Feder
What is a liberal? In election years, they're particularly
hard to find. Even the president and first lady-who do the PC tango to the
tune of "Blowin' in the Wind"-shun the label.
Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist Michael
Lerner held a Summit on Ethics and Meaning in D.C. Among other exotic proposals,
the 1,300 delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year of
paid leave and replacing college SATs with "empathy training."
Weird though they are, these people at least know what
they are. Many of the afflicted are ignorant of their condition. For these
unfortunates, we offer a handy guide to political self-identification.
You know you're a liberal if:
You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive,
domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.
You hate Hillary jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend
the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice. You think trees
have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell
paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances
with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic. You thought
Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it made
"Pocahontas."
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of
the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on
parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism
are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid
rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment
(pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You
think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals
while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma
City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected
Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes
even more sense.
You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is
totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government
spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.
You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but
fascism and spouse abuse aren't.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic
when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics
trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate
the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists
who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over
Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional
racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by
Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage
over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning
a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative
action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment
or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought
the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are
vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of
illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and
an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard
Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past
quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco
had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies
- after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.
Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point
of this column.
Don Feder is a nationally syndicated columnist.